Jesus 2.0

Resurrecting Jesus

by Tom Adams

Time & Place:8 November 2016, at a fast food restaurant in Iowa

Situation:An average looking middle aged man approaches Tomís table.



JC:May I sit down with you, Tom?


TA:[Looking up from the DILBERT cartoon in his newspaper.]Why?Who are you, anyway?


JC:My name is Jesus.And I have something of great interest to tell you.


TA:Hmm, Jesus huh?Jesus what?Hernandez?Rodriguez?Aparicio?

JC:Very funny, Tom.Actually, I have never even played baseball.For the purposes this discussion, you may think of me as Jesus Christ.


TA:Okay, okay, Iíll play, just to get rid of you.I imagine you are down here because you were bored silly sitting on The Right Hand, a location that has always struck me as flawed; I think a much comfier setup for both of you would be for you to sit, parrot-like, on the shoulder of Big Daddy.


JC:I know that you are an atheist, Tom.And, I know that unlike most atheists, you have struggled with the non-sequitur of how the killing of one person could possibly save not just another person, but all the people who have ever lived as well as all who will be born in the future.


TA:You are correct.But you could easily have learned this from some of my writings.And, to be quite fair, and with the advantage of hindsight re transplants, the heart of a recently deceased person could temporarily allow another person with a bum ticker to live.


JC:Sure, but this still means that Christianity is basically operating with wrong assumptions and is therefore not only meaningless but just plain wrong.I know that you have tried to theorize this crucifixion exercise something like this:Jesus was crucified and died on the cross.He was placed into a tomb [a cave] and a large stone was used to seal the entrance.Roman soldiers were ordered to guard this cave.They went down to the village to their campís mess hall at supper time, and got drunk.Since there were hundreds of very similar caves with boulders as doors, the Roman guards returned to the wrong cave, saw that ďit had not been sealed yetĒ, and was empty.Next day came the now famous erroneous conclusion by reality denying relatives and followers: RESURRECTIOIN!


TA:Yes, this is very close to my theory.A rocky hillside in The Levant, porous with caves, especially in those days, had no street names, nor house numbers.And, as Dr Gene Scott always said, Christianity lives or dies with the veracity of The RESURRECTION.


JC:That still leaves the question why I [JC] did not simply run away.Why didnít I escape from the Roman occupiers of Judea.Well, being the leading Jewish freedom fighter (not the Savior of Christian mythology), I was Public Enemy Number One as far as the occupying Romans were concerned.I did not want to live the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, as it were.I decided to disappear by pretending to die.I and my collaborators decided to get Judas to kiss some mentally challenged person with speech defects, unable to deny being Jesus Christ, and it was this poor wretch who was crucified and still resides to this day in the wrong tomb.If you donít believe this, go and remove the stone covering this cave.


TA:Yes, I can see it now.Finding a doppelganger patsy would have been quite easy when many Jews, Canaanites, and Romans looked somewhat similar, especially with precious few barbers to deal with constantly growing/changing beards.But, pray tell me [sic!] Jesus, what did you do for fun once you were free to live a normal life?And, whatís the story with The Shroud of Turin?


JC:First, the shroud had/has nothing to do with me.Probably a part of a sail originally used to propel some large boat floating on Mare Nostrum.As for me, I went into exile, married the daughter of a local contractor, earning my keep as a highly skillful and productive carpenter.


TA:Did you eventually fly to Heaven or were you teleported?


JC:Very funny, Tom.But I lived to the ripe age of 70.


TA:You mean you died as a normal person?How?


JC:I inadvertently ate some pork chops laced with E-coli.


TA:Well!If that doesnít TRUMP it all!